Accepting unpredictability, learning through experience
The scariest part of thinking about the future is that you can’t plan for every aspect of it. University is no exception. Everyday struggles as a student often revolve around anxieties about what comes next. During my time at Penryn, I have learned a lot about how to cope with feeling powerless when it comes to ‘the next step’ in life.
Before I attended my first lecture, being a student seemed pretty straightforward to me: show up, take notes, write essays and study for exams. All of this in order to get a degree and prove to future employers that I’m capable of rational thought. Everyone has different priorities, but the focus stays the same. Something I never seem to anticipate is to what extent anticipation is possible when it comes to the future. Unplanned occurrences so easily catch us off-guard and make things that seemed clear and stable turn blurry. This, I have learned, (partly thanks to my time at university) is what defines the future. We can expect and plan all we want, but ultimately, plans change, and surprises are best taken in stride.
I have struggled with my mental health in various ways over the last 5 years. I was part of a terrorist attack back in 2017 in Barcelona. This left me with PTSD that I had no idea how to cope with. Extensive therapy for 2 years proved useful in coping with these emotions. Reflexes of fear had so easily turned into panic attacks whenever I found myself in a large crowd of people.
The feeling of helplessness felt so great I could see no way out. This is something that came back to me stronger than ever at university, resulting in unhealthy coping mechanisms and that same awareness of a loss of control. These unhealthy habits felt like the only solution.
The future often ties into this idea for me: what lies ahead isn’t something I can control. Some of the most basic fears when it comes to education are tied to the future; competitiveness amongst peers being one of them. Sometimes it became too easy to get swept up in other people’s achievements, so much so that mine seemed irrelevant in comparison. Patiently awaiting results, scared of how a number would define me has been a constant aspect of my time at university. Even now, as I find myself awaiting results for the last time here in Penryn, I’m terrified of the idea that a number is going to define my future. I fear it will define where I can or can’t apply for a master’s degree or pursue employment. The concept seems so monumental, and yet, when that bridge is inevitably crossed, there isn’t anything I can do to change it.
This feeling of helplessness would have sent me in a spiral a year ago. Lockdown was weighing me down. Weekly readings became too much, and my level of procrastination became ten times worse than it usually is. That feeling of helplessness – of not being able to predict the future – would have led to a breakdown. As students, mental breakdown is sometimes treated lightly to hold its reality at arm’s length. We stress and panic and then jokingly tell our friends about how ‘I had a panic attack about this assignment’. The impact university life has on mental health is one that is often minimalised, even by ourselves. In my eyes, a lot of students deserve to be kinder towards themselves, especially in the unstable world we live in. It’s easy to get caught up in the negativity and high pressure and to ignore the opportunities in front of us to learn and develop skills we discovered in secondary school.
Despite all these fears about the unpredictability of the future, the education I have been provided with at university – as much as it wasn’t perfect (nothing ever is) – has taught me a lot. I gained knowledge in lectures and in writing essays, of course. But I also learned about perseverance and acceptance of the inevitable. We’re built to handle the unpredictable, and to confront a situation head-on with the resources we have at our disposal. Through my many different assignments and experiences – whether or not they involved difficulties such as procrastination or anxiety – I found out that doing the best I can is enough. Despite what the outcome might be. Despite what future it may lead to. The future isn’t just a scary notion completely out of my control. It offers a number of possibilities, good and bad, and these depend on what situations I find myself in.
